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By WENDY SELLERS, The HR Lady®

Generally speaking, managers do a really bad job at telling people what we think about their performance and how they should do better. As managers, we get tied up in the "why" something didn't work and should really be focusing on the "what" - as in what do you actually want to happen? "What" is much easier to explain and has concrete terms while the WHY could just be conceptual.

There are three business theories we accept as certainties: the theory of truth, learning and excellence. The theory of truth basically says that others are aware of your weaknesses even when you are not. Others know when your suit or dress doesn't look good and you rely on them to tell you. The theory of learning states that when you lack a certain knowledge, skill or ability, you rely on those around you to teach them to you. And the theory of excellence is the belief that great performance is universal, analyzable and describable and that once defined we can improve your shortcomings with feedback from someone else.

It turns out these theories are false. Feedback is unreliable. It is based on what you - the rater - thinks is good or bad, positive or negative. And you might be an idiot. Your idea of dressing well might be awful, or you may not want to speak up to your friend. Your attempt at teaching others may be confusing or you may blabber on making no sense. Your view of excellence may be unrealistic, or you may be using terms others do not understand. Of course, we also have these crystal-clear rating systems (sarcasm intended) that mean absolutely nothing and are a complete insult to both the manager and the employee. If you as a manager are intentionally rating someone average or poor and they are still employed on your team, guess what? You are an idiot! Why did you wait 12 months to tell them? Why are they still employed? What are you still employed?

Managers believe that feedback has magical ingredients that accelerate growth. Well, no it doesn't. We all know that a bloody mary's magical ingredient is vodka - not pickled vegetables or even bacon. Although these items make the drink more enjoyable, without the vodka, you would simply be drinking tomato juice with... The magical ingredient for learning is not adding to something that isn't there. Learning is recognizing, reinforcing, refining what is already there. Therefore, feedback on what is already there is needed. For example, you can provide all the feedback you want on your employee's inability to speak French, but it won't change his or her ability or desire to speak French.

Criticism is not feedback. Criticism assumes your way is the better way and inhibits the brain from learning. Attention to weaknesses actually smothers their brains. Your brain responds to critical or negative feedback as a threat and narrows its activity. In a scientific study, students hooked up to MRIs were asked what they were doing wrong and what needed to be fixed - their sympathetic nervous system lit up. The sympathetic nervous system prepares the body for intense physical activity and is often referred to as the fight-or-flight response. When students were asked about their dreams and how they might achieve them, their parasympathetic nervous system lit up. The parasympathetic nervous system has almost the exact opposite effect. This stimulates a sense of well-being, and even better immune system functioning. So, it's good for your health claims too! The study also argues that arousing the PEA is critical when creating or affirming a personal vision. The PEA is an endogenous stimulant of the human brain that amplifies the activity of major neurotransmitters for increased longevity, slower aging, higher performance, a sense of well-being, and a renewed youthful-functioning body. Again, all positives for your health insurance claims.

So now what? Focus on outcomes and experiences. Discuss scenarios or meetings that went really well. Such as "here are three things that went really well." Tell your team - "let's do more of that! I want all of our meetings to look like that. That - yes, that!" Describe your experience when you catch them doing something good. Trust me, they already know how you felt when they screwed up. Say something like "that made me feel really proud and excited." Managers quickly interrupt people to let them know they screwed up; how about you start interrupting them to say - you did that really well. Their understanding of what excellence looks like will be crystal clear.

Instead of saying "can I give you my feedback?" say "here is my reaction to what just happened." Or instead of "you need to be more responsive" ...try "when I don't hear from you, I worry we are not on the same page." Or instead of "you lack strategy" ...try "I am struggling to understand your plan."

Throw in some positive emotion, compassion and change the game. Provide positive feedback that focuses on their strengths and abilities they already have or are capable of obtaining.

If you are giving feedback until you are blue in the face and getting nowhere, well then you might be part of the problem.

Wendy Sellers has a master's degree in Human Resources, a master's degree in Health Care Administration, is a passionate HR Consultant, Leadership Coach, author, and speaker. She has worked with hundreds of corporations and associations conducting management training, leadership development, and HR advisory services. She has experience as an HR Executive and Practitioner, an HR Advisor, a Board Member, and an adjunct faculty member.

In additional to her formal education, Wendy is HR certified as an SHRM-SCP and SPHR, is health/life insurance licensed, is a Dale Carnegie course graduate, and is an active and past board member and volunteer for multiple non-profits and a National Speakers Association professional member. She also teaches the SHRM certification course. Visit www.thehrlady.com